This past year has been that for me. Almost exactly a year, last February to this March. I've barely felt like myself at all. I didn't particularly like feeling this way, either. Living through it was hard hard hard and though I'm glad to be free of it I am grateful to have lived it.
Some truly crazy making things occurred in this last year. We buried my FIL, a child got married, a sister got married, I separated from a public spiritual group I've been long involved in, there was more death, almost death, mental strife among family members and some scary medical things in me, in others. That is the short list. o_O I know, right?
I finally feel like "me" again. I missed me SO much. Who was this creature I had become? Did I have to be her? Can't I be the old me mixed the new me and be different, at peace, and happy? Must I feel like a foreigner in my own skin? Apparently the answer was, "Yes, yes, and yes, you must." And when I came back into me, became what feels like myself again yet a different more balanced version of me I found that not only had I missed me so much, but I love me. Not the pretend say-the-words-hope-to-feel-them-someday love me, but deeply appreciate the Me that I am.
It feels like it has happened in the last 2 weeks, this change, but it has been a year in process to get here with small sorting shifts this way and that way, hard focus on one thing then a rapid 180 to the opposite. I understand the pinball analogy quite well now. The final bounce, the finding of the perfect slot to fit in, and rest.
I'll keep moving forward ever the unfinished product, but I'll be polishing me up, smoothing some edges and becoming more skillful. I no longer have even the tiniest desire to be other than who I am. Can you see the big grin? Can you feel my Joy? I knew you could. I have faith in you, always. *smile*
Thanks to all who have stood by me this past year. Those who've hugged and loved me through it. Those who've wished me well from near and far, those who've held me in peace and patiently waited for the shift to sort down and take hold. I love you all.
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