For years, we've had a cookie table at parties. Everyone knows that. You have a party, and you have a table with drinks, and a table with cookies. And of course, you have some Oreos*, and you have some chocolate chip cookies, and they can all be side-by-side there on the table.
Only sometimes, some people don't want oreo crumbs getting on their tables and ruining their choc-chip dining experience. And the oreo eaters want to enjoy the cookie with inner frosting without the intimidating factor of the larger, more dominant chocolate chip cookies grabbing all the attention. So some parties have *two* cookie tables, or even just one table and they tell everyone to only bring one kind of cookie. And those who like the other kind of cookie grumble about that, but hey, they really can go to different parties.
And then some of the oreo eaters realized that *SOME* people eat their oreos by twisting them open and licking out the frosting, instead of PROPERLY by dipping them in cold milk, and they tried to ban twist-oreo eaters from the oreo-only parties. "Those people BREAK their oreos," they say; "they're not really eating oreos at all. They're eating former oreos that are now something else. The perverts."
Then the twist-and-lick oreo people were sad, because they liked parties, and they certainly weren't welcome at the chocolate-chip only parties. (Those had their own debates going about whether chocolate chip cookies must have nuts, or should have nuts, or maybe it's okay if the *recipe* has nuts but they were left out of this particular batch. Or maybe it's only okay if the nuts are removed after baking. Or it's okay if they're added as sprinkles after cooking but before cooling. Look, I eat oreos, so I'm a bit confused by whatever the choc-chip people get all riled up about. They all look like cookies to me.)
I kinda feel sorry for the people who are convinced others are eating their oreos WRONG, or that only one kind of chocolate chip cookie is the *true* chocolate chip cookie, because damn are they missing out on some awesome cookie flavors.
However, I don't feel so sorry for them that I can't stand up and say, "I eat my oreos only by dipping and I am perfectly happy to have someone else twist open and lick their oreos before eating." We can sit together at the oreo-eating table and swap coupons and be annoyed at the ones that are crushed in transit so there's no way to twist them *or* dip them, and talk about how awesome oreos can be as a frozen yogurt topping even if there's no way to eat them properly there at all. We can put our oreos on the same plate. We don't need to divide them into "dipping oreos" and "twisting oreos" before eating.
I gather that some people would like to have the occasional dipping-oreos-only party, and that's cool too. Cup of milk for everyone, and a plate to catch crumbs and a spoon to fetch out the occasional dropped oreo, and those people (which hypothetically could include me) can enjoy sharing just the joys of dipping, without watching other people lick the middles out first. I... guess that's important to them? Sometimes? I have no need to eat my oreos in solidarity with other milk-dippers, but I guess that for some people, the dripping milk and occasional dropped cookie can be a bit embarrassing if not everyone nearby is doing it. Shrug.
I don't get the animosity. I don't get the exclusion. What, your cookie dining will be ruined if not everyone eats them the same way? I got news for you--even among milk-dippers, we don't all eat them the same way. Some do a quick dunk, barely touching the milk before popping the whole cookie in their mouths. Some dunk, nibble, dunk, nibble, repeat until their milk is covered with little crumbs. Some, like me, soak the cookie until it's almost dissolving, barely holding on to one sliver-edge and hoping it won't get so soaked it falls apart, and then eat it in a couple of quick bites. Sharing a basic description of our dipping style doesn't mean we experience the cookie the same way.
I am no more or less comfortable eating next to someone who barely touches their cookie into the milk before eating it mostly crunchy (why bother having milk if it's not going to soak the cookie?) than next to someone who opens and licks the inside. I can at least see the logic in that--if you open the cookie, you get to enjoy it in separate parts. At least I know the twisters are enjoying the flavor. Some of the quick-dip-1-bite people, I can't tell if they even know they're eating oreos.
But I don't want to enjoy the flavors separately. I like the blend of flavors in dipping my oreos in milk, and I don't think I should feel guilty about that.
Nor do I think the twist-and-lick people should feel guilty. And while I understand that some people would be blinded by the sight of naked oreo filling, and others are severely allergic to nuts, and therefore we may have serious reasons to separate the cookies for different styles of eating--we can certainly work through that.
I'm not going to play the game of deciding who is "more wrong" about their cookie choices, the twist-and-lick crowd, or the chocolate chip crowd. Nor will I attempt to sort out with whom I have more in common: the twist-and-lick oreo eaters, or the small number of chocolate-chip eaters who dip their cookies in milk.
WE'RE ALL EATING COOKIES, HERE. And we can find ways to celebrate cookies the way we love them most without telling other people that their gustatory preferences are bizarre or wrong.
Don't make me start talking about carob.
* Oreo™ used without permission for metaphorical purposes; no disrespect or insult to Oreos or Nabisco is intended. Of course, the metaphor breaks down in spots**; in the real world, Oreo dippers don't outnumber twist-and-lickers nearly a hundred to one. Anyone who attempts to define human beings according to how they eat their Oreos is a Special Friend Of Eris (SFOE), and deserves all the attention She wishes to bestow upon them.
** The metaphorically impaired may attempt to sort out *exactly* which group of people each part of the cookie metaphor refers to. I assure you, it doesn't work that way. And every time I thought it might, I added new variables just to muck it up a bit. Also, the whole "choice" thing is part of the metaphor; I am not trying to imply that gender is a matter of choice. (Maybe for some people it is. For others it's not. For me? I eat my oreos with milk; not my job to sort out whether someone else is twist-and-licking because of allergies or preferences.)
This post is an edict of Eris; for further information, please consult your pineal gland.
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