pjvj (pjvj) wrote,

What an *interesting* 24 hours

Today was slotted to be a day for increasing intimacy. As Lora likes to torment me with a particular phrase, "If I touch you I will know you" we embarked on an experience in sacred space to work towards that. The phrase is from an Anne Hill piece titled "If I Touch You" which in full reads:

If I touch you I will know you
Though your veil be drawn, you're glowing
In my mind and soul and body -Anne Hill

Being me I think it is a glorious piece when I get to reference it in terms of me touching others. Not so glorious when the situation is reversed I used to think until this past Fall. Yet, it is so, just the same. I cannot say enough about the lovely good it is to be the receiver.

Last night as I was drifting to sleep I began to think of today, its purpose, and how some of it would go. I knew it was to be a day that included me telling (retelling?) some specific things from my growing up years. As I began to run the reel of memories in my head, familiar as they are, I was suddenly struck by the fact that nearly all of them were what I refer to as "3rd party" memories. That is, the memories played as short film clips with me as observer, rather than participant.

I found this realization to be quite disconcerting. Deeply so. The only (or perhaps the main) reason I noticed it at this time is I mixed in some joyful memories from the early years. I noticed in the ones that had the most happiness attached to them I was a participant. I saw the memory as me inside of me looking out touching, seeing, hearing as when I am "present" (as opposed to dissociated). More than 90% of the years of memories that come from that time were 3rd party memories, me observing me. I was gobsmacked.

I spent far more time out of my body than in it. To be so frightfully unaware of such a thing until now greatly displeased me. Not because I don't understand it. I do. Not because I am unable to be present now, most of the time I am. But because (as I discovered this Fall while working the Shadows) I had previously believed that dissociation was reserved for the sexual arena and when I had conquered that years ago I was done with it. Through the Shadow Work I learned that not only did I do it in so very many places, but that I did it without thinking or noticing in the present day.

I dealt with that reality as I do with most things in the past decade or so. Head on and full force push for transformation. Who needs legs, am I right? To discover that I had been doing this 3rd party observer "hey I'm over here! no here!" crap since early childhood? Well, fuck me. Just fuck me was my thinking. Then I thought …. wait a minute …. maybe everybody has upwards of 90% of their memories that way, not just abuse survivors with this particular defense mechanism. Yeah … that's it …..

I was however pretty certain that I was telling myself a lie in that one. Especially since as I drifted further to sleep I was remembering things, recent things in the last few months, where I was fully present for them and my memories were me inside of me. Those memories play with me as participant and I am not only in them I am fully engaged. Certain people I am like this with, consistently. One who was such a surprise among other surprising things, and others like my Corpse Brides buddies ~ I am always present in coven, when we do "light duty" stuff and even when we did deep trance particular to an issue of mine. Always present.

Through the months of the IP workshop, too, I was present. Many work situations, most family encounters - present. Now, these days, years on this Path ~ when I am actively practicing which blissfully is most of the time ~ I am present in the times and places that matter. But, not always. Angry conflict still sends me flying. In the deepest parts of the Shadow Work I felt myself slip away numerous times when I was not in circle. It was necessary as the work was brutal. But I was aware of it and I came back most often in a reasonable period of time.

I asked today of course, how memories usually work for other people. And yes I it was a lie I had told myself to go to sleep. But - knowledge is power as they say, so onward we go and off with our legs!

Today was good and useful, intimate and full of Love. There is little else worth building in this world other than relationships of intimacy and love. Trust me on this ….. "If I touch you, I will know you, though your veil be drawn ….."  Touching and being touched, so very worth it.

This entry was originally posted at http://pj.dreamwidth.org/289944.html. Please comment here or there there using your LJ ID or OpenID.
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