pjvj (pjvj) wrote,

For all the swirling analytical thinky thoughts that I process every day I can be so damn obtuse

At least when it comes to me. I suppose that is not such a foreign thing to anyone. Outsider's advantage, objective viewpoint, different filters see different facets ~ fairly common across the human experience which is why we bounce ideas off of friends and loved ones. Feedback. It is lovely. I am Blessed to have thoughtful loving people not only in my RL, but also in my online life. People who love deeply while being willing to speak Truth, even if it is uncomfortable. Uncomfortable for them and/or uncomfortable for me.

It is fascinating how online friends groups form. We choose them pretty much the way we choose RL friends. These people fill a need with their voice. Some are like minded, some are not, but all have value. We let them see our locked posts and trust those words will not be publicly distributed based on our faith and limited knowledge we have of them as can be discerned through pixels. A lot of trust goes into that. Mostly based on our own ethical construct and the belief that we have chosen friends with near the same set of ethics as we possess. Many of us follow Paths that live on the fringe of mainstream society's religions. We have the same general ethics surrounding our word when we give it, promises when we make them, vows we have stated, and oaths we have made. We honor and keep these things. It is not a maybe, a situational choice, or something we view as optional. Which means we also honor others' vows and oaths and do not push or pull at them nor make light of them.<------ This is important on many levels but will have to be a different post at a different time.

As in real life we sometimes bugger that up pretty badly and choose friends poorly. *shrug* Humans. Most often we choose well. (As a point of note for those newer readers who are boggling at what I put in public posts and wondering what could possibly warrant a lock? Not much. Though I post what is the truth for me without much sugar coating I also withhold an awful lot from my posts. An awful lot. That stuff goes on other people's locked posts, a few of my own, to email, messages, and some is for only in person. But I digress. I am so very grateful for the people in my lives here and in real time who listen and who comment.)

Now that I have dispensed with the background ......

A string of comments relating to my last blog entry (which is the note before this one on FB) of course end up being ..... let us speak it together: "all related to the Work!" They went like this:

First commenter:

Maybe you don't treat your body well because there's a part of you that still doesn't believe you deserve it?

My reply:

Oh absolutely that is it, honey! All wrapped up and tied up with the not deserving the good emotional things and the good loving spiritual things. And the horrid book is going to not only finally and completely convince me that I deserve such, but it is going to make me do those things.

You can imagine my horror when this was revealed, yes? That sounds like sarcasm and yet it is not. Horrifying and lovely has been my journey thus far and I expect it to remain so when I Work with things that Hit So Very Deep even when I cannot yet see from what these Deep Things spring.

Thank the Gods that Love tips the balance. I dread to think what sort and shape I'd be in right now if that were not Truth.

Second commenter to my above reply:

Some similarities...I get task-stuck,too. I don't eat or exercise or supplement because there is "work" to be done, and of course, all I am "good for" is work.

I remind myself, however, that the work is now MINE and I do love most of what I do. Remembering that, even if I eat late...I eat with pleasure.

And after a lot of years, love is finally coming from the other side of the balance.

Me: *holds light bulb over head*

You would think after all this time and the familiarity I have with various tapes that used to play in the back of my head, tapes that I have cut to ribbons over the years, one would think I would recognize an old tape even if the words were slightly altered. If one thought that - well, one would be wrong.

We all have those tapes, in one form or another, planted by well meaning (or sometimes not) parents, teachers, friends, co-workers running around in our past if not in our present heads. The tapes have different words: "You are not ... good enough, smart enough, tall enough, muscular enough, coordinated enough, pretty enough, social enough, quiet enough, rich enough, thin enough" which all boils down to "You are Not! worthy."

We grow, we learn, we now know the tapes are lies so we stomp them, erase them, snip them to pieces, incinerate them and bury them. We are Done with them! And then ..... we find some SOB has secretly copied one or two of them and slipped them back into the dark crevice of our deep mind patiently waiting for Life to hit the "play" button. Sometimes we don't even recognize it when we hear it as it has been so long. Thank Gods for our friends who recognize the tune and point and say, "Listen! Is that you?"

"Aahhhh yes ... I remember that now. I have heard it before."  No matter - we still have our stomping shoes, big pink eraser, scissors, matches and shovel! The task is easier having had practice and we set to work again.

Thank Gods for friends who are honest and wise and willing to speak their truth.

This entry was originally posted at http://pj.dreamwidth.org/281569.html. Please comment here or there there using your LJ ID or OpenID.

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