I knew "giddy" was almost as much of a mask as the flip side. I knew it would end with a crash. I felt the careening last night and today - Hello Ground! But (as there always is) I just cannot go there right now. I don't have the brain power to squish it all in to the time frame I have at the moment. I don't have the desire to rush it to the point of making it meaningless.
So what I have are bullet points that I may or may not get back to in a public post. As always questions are welcome. As always if the answers need to be back channeled I will tell you to message me - PMs, email, text, whatever is your best option. And as always, all questions may be asked, but some may not get answered in the manner you hoped.
• Those of us who dissociate due to abuse issues are engaging in (a form of) lying when we do it. This one hits hard, seeing as how I am about lying, yet I know as clearly as I know my name that it is true.
• That how we manifest things in our life is a direct result of what we are doing Work wise. Our actions often are more wholly honest than our thoughts. For example, sanding those "18 of 25 layers of lacquer off of the entryway floor" this weekend - which I interrupted my cookie baking marathon for - speaks more clearly to the Work I've been doing than anything I have written. As my friend Topaz questioned, "What about the other 7 layers?" Yes, what about them …. ~sigh~
• The new heretofore undealt with aspects of the sexual abuse of my childhood that I thought was going to be … not easier so much … but "less" turns out to be absolutely pivotal for everything else going on. Am amused that I am the only one surprised by this.
• The Energy Connections are coming fast and furious and they are both helpful and not in my Work.
• The dissociation technique that I always felt I shunted only to the sexual arena (and not even there for the last 12 years) is alive and well in other areas. That some see it and say nothing because they don't know how to check me on it. That I envy a friend who has someone who does check her on it. That one person I have met (I think in my entire life) has noticed it who is not intimately (friend or lover) involved with me and seeing him notice was startling, yet comforting at the same time.
• Dissociation is often lumped into the category of *ineffective* coping mechanisms when it is just the opposite. It is *very effective* because it allowed us to survive. Not good, not bad, just is. But it keeps us from Joy just the same.
And so …. none of this has ever been particularly secret, not since the intensive healing that occurred a hair over 12 years ago. My thoughts and my struggles and my voice were heard in a good number of places, online and offline. I travelled to meet with fellow survivors, I spoke out in my community, I modded on survivor forums online.
I brought it up here and there, as needed, but it faded to the back being a part of who I was (lol) as opposed to who I am. Of course we carry all of ourselves with us.
And with that, I leave you with a little thing I wrote back in 1998 that was written raw and not edited. I am not that person anymore. I haven't been for a long time. Or more accurately ~ I am not that person to that extent, anymore. It has been hanging out on the web for many years so this is not its first public outing, but it is I believe the first time in my blog:
I am a touch-me-not. Have you heard of me? I am the one who cannot be touched, deeply, within my innermost places, not even I can go there. Oh, yes, you can touch my body, I will respond. The body has it's own mind. Touch me here, I will quiver - caress me there, arousal occurs. Yes, the body has a mind all it's own (physiology they call it), but unfortunately, the body also has memories of it's own. The body responds, passionately, exquisitely, but the psyche is gone. Stroke my back, feel me tremble.... now look into my eyes....l am not there.... vacant - empty gone. At first you think, -Wow, I am so good. I know where she has gone- ...and as arousal hits climax and twists to release you see the tears ...feel the wetness against your cheek, and think -Wow - I am damn good!-
I am a touch-me-not. Did you see me leave? Sometimes I leave early...sometimes later. Sometimes I am not there at all....beginning to end. That is when you request the one thing I abhor... the thing I have told you I do not want to do, but do anyway.
I am a touch-me-not. Who am I to say no? That is when I turn to stone, mechanical movements practiced to perfection, and you are so enthralled you do not even notice I am not there. As I bend toward you that unforgettable aroma assaults me, filling my nostrils - my breath becomes shallow, my jaw aches, my throat closes --and the splitting is complete. When I return, I force the gagging sensation down, down deep into my dark crevices. I look into your eyes and see the sated pleasure lingering there. At that moment I am completely lost to you and you do not know I was ever gone.
I am a touch-me-not. Can you find me? For you time is a magnifying glass...as the years stack up it allows you to look more closely than you might have, should have ....and you begin to wonder.... Am I not in the place you thought? You want to know where I have gone. I am here, I say, knowing really I am not....not knowing for certain where I am, only that I cannot be here with you. For me, time is the opposite... l am ever further away when your arms wrap round me. When your hands caress me I go deeper into my hiding place. In a distant somewhere there is another me locked away - from you - from me - unable to be present in the most intimate of places.
........... I am a touch-me-not..............
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