August 20th, 2011


Gratitude Project - catching up

 I didn't turn on my computer after work last night and thus had my first miss of this year's gratitude project. Thanks to [personal profile] elf  for having a grand one for me to read and it inspired the missing one.
For me the gratitude project humbles me. I don't know that 'humbling' is a necessary intent of it, but every year it does it just the same. I find myself in general grateful for many many things (a big one is what many call luck, but that is a whole long other post) even on my worst days. There is something that moves within me that allows continued optimism in the face of harsh realities and it is for that renewing of hope and faith that "All Is Well" that I am grateful to on a daily basis.
Writing out the gratitude project makes me expand my sense of "grateful for" and "grateful to" outward in a manner that is very different from the daily general "grateful to still be living this life!" type of feeling that is nearly always present. It does this less because the gratitude must be specific and more because of the must not repeat. It requires a level of daily examination that lasts for more than a month and that has allowed me to see these things throughout the year. 
This is my 8th year of dedicated writing of the gratitude project and I can clearly see the change it has wrought in my life as a whole. For that I am deeply grateful. And aha! I have my missing yesterday's post for this project. Thank you!

Today's gratitude: For surrender. The 3rd step in being free from codependency's tight little fists. I had great difficulty with the language in this step (surprise!) not as much from the meaning of it as the wording used in the particular text I am reading. It is written from a heavily Xian viewpoint. Mostly I can read right over the inherent privilege expressed in this manner and plop it into "author's life viewpoint" and move on. This text makes it difficult, partly I assume because of the way it triggers the nastier aspects of my early religious experiences in a sect that failed to track or discipline its supposed leaders who abused their power and position. Trust me on the fact that though the media likes to vilify the RC (with good reason) that establishment is not the only sect with these issues. They are just larger and more prolific. 

Back to the point, damnit. One of my coveners reworded the surrender aspect in a manner that easily melded with my experience. It clicked intellectually, calmed emotionally, but didn't hit physically which is the measure of me integrating it spiritually. I use certain phrases a lot when explaining how a spiritual shift or a spiritual truth becomes Known to me on a deep level. Those phrases use words of physicality. For those who've felt similar there are nods of recognition and for those who haven't ... well, I suppose my descriptions get tossed into the 'witchy woo' pile.

So. The surrender necessary for this step to be mastered played around my temples and danced just beneath my skin in its truth for over a week. Today it settled in my spirit. Today, I felt it in my bones. It moved through my core, expanding as it did so. It opened me outward to the world, the Universe, the Eternal Web - freeing not only Itself, but also me. Amazing. I am grateful.

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