pjvj (pjvj) wrote,

Creating new patterns/Update

As I've learned is fairly typical of me, once I decide something "needs to be done™!" I attack with a vengeance and an obsession that certainly cannot be healthy. Though I've improved in this reaction the past few years, times of extreme stress will my kick into that mode right quick.

After my mum died, since my entire world shifted in the instant between breath and no-breath, I decided it would be a good time to Create New Patterns. Go me! Well, not so go me when what I attempted was a total change all at once. Yes. I know.

Except in this case I didn't know, or didn't know better. Or something. I suppose on some level my mum's death was so transformative I found comfort in the idea of total transformation. Head to toe, front to back, inside to outside and vice-versa, left to right and right to wrong. ~sigh~ Yes, I know.

I'm not certain if the patterns I've been trying to create are useful or effective because too much too soon muddies things terribly. And I didn't only do this in my spiritual life. Oh no. I was full steam in all mundane things, also.

I took a week off of work. I was organized in my head! I had plans! I knew how how much I could accomplish at my and my mum's houses if I bent my shoulder and charged ahead! I painted the other 3 walls in my future altar room! I bought my supplies for the image I want on the one wall! I had a late start because my grandson was sick and so I had to back up for lost time, but I had a handle on it, yes! I! Did! Yes I know.

I paused. I could feel myself breaking, my patterns breaking, my will breaking, my desire to even put forth any effort breaking. And, it was a good thing. I listened to my spirit instead of my head. I heard my still voice climbing up through my grief voice. So I stopped. No more packing, sorting, painting, thinking. I have had no time off where I wasn't caretaking my mum or planning her funeral, or grieving. Hell, the funeral was the last time I took off of work. So this past week, I took off from most everything.

It was freeing and relaxing and renewing in a manner I'd not felt in a very long time. Some patterns I will keep - healtheir eating some of the time, better sleeping most of the time, and I will create more new patterns. Here and there, a bit at a time - one word becomes a sentence is a paragraph to a chapter in a book of one year of my life. Slowing down leads to picking up speed, ironically. YesIknow.
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