pjvj (pjvj) wrote,

2007 in the East

I'd say happy New Year, but I cannot. When it hit 12:00, I said, "Well, it's the new year." Usually I look forward to each new year. Now matter how trivial that slide from one second until to one second after may seem, I ride into that event with new hope, new dreams, new passions, and all the promise that the idea holds.

Not this year. For the first time I resent the new year. I want 2006 again. For 11 of 12 months of 2006 I had my mum. For 2007 I have 0 of 12 months of her. It has only been 61 days - and yet - it is now "last year" that my mum died. How arbitrary our calender is!

I noticed in the last few days that a small part of me is getting used to the idea that my mum is no longer here. I hate that part. I mean I *really* *really* hate that part of me. I do not want to get used to it. I want her here. Damnit!

And as the waves of renewed grief wash over me, tears that are supposed to be cleansing appear to want to drown me. I see the new year arrive and wish it away. Motherfuck.

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