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And tenderness is the "new" thing. Not simply inviting it into my life, but (OMGs!) actually being tender because (surprise! Surprise!) if you are such and open with it - people respond. Go figure!

In one arena I needed to ask for tenderness and that is okay because sometimes mind-reading is not only overrated, but um, bullshit. Ha! I am good with the opening up of self, the inviting of connections, even the being tender towards others and thus allowing it to be reciprocated.

However (and we all knew this was coming) being tender towards self and Self from within or as opposed to being so towards others is proving problematic. There's this book we're (the woo-woo Witchy coven) is working through this year. The title sucks. (Nope, not posting it.) The author's photo is hopefully photoshopped or she is on heavy narcotics which kind of kills the concept behind the book. The book is good, though, if one is inclined to learn to care for self. Or forced to by one's coveners. *cough*

Anyway …. (Gods how I ramble. There should really be a medication for this.) It was brought home today how very little I do pay attention to self care except in terms of spirit/soul/needs when doing my religious work. I'm learning to pay better attention to my emotional needs and asking or seeking that which I need. But the physical stuff seems to have fallen off of my radar. I do specific physical things for myself in terms of food choices and not smoking a pack of cigarettes/day (some days I SO miss them!). And then ... I forget to eat. Not all day like some people I know. *looks at daughter pointedly* But when breakfast happens at noon, lunch not all, and dinner ... um ... like today didn't happen, either, I have to wonder why this pattern has re-emerged. I remember being this person from the past. This me. Food never held enough allure for me to be dragged away from a task to feed the body. I do so enjoy tasty food when I take the time to prepare or consume it. Yet I have to stop and make myself go eat. ~sigh~ Whatever. That isn't even the point of this, just a related rambly tangent.

I am being *open* to near anything/everything the Universe perversely and (it appears) quite happily throws at me. But some things … some things still leave me stumped. Health things, pain things, simple everyday questions every freaking person in the world could answer …. me<-----clueless.

I will need to think about this. I don't have any quick or flip *shock* answers for this mental block in me right now. I am so very accustomed to judging health of self based on … others and their perception of me and what I feel I need to do in spite of such that when I stand back and try to just figure out what I think or know or feel about how I feel physically from the "only me" side all I find is confusion. Which is weird because I don't see myself as some self-sacrifing-fall-on-the-sword type of person. I do possess caretaking tendencies. I've seen that. But this is just …. weird. And it may simply be a product of a fatigued mind and tomorrow Everything will Be Crystal Clear!**

**What? You expected NO sarcasm? Bah!

This entry was originally posted at http://pj.dreamwidth.org/281259.html. Please comment here or there there using your LJ ID or OpenID.

Comments

( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
musiquephan
Jan. 29th, 2011 12:14 pm (UTC)
We should have lunch and talk about this book...it's something I may be interested in reading/working with. I'm in a strange place right now with no real support system other than moi.
pjvj
Jan. 29th, 2011 02:58 pm (UTC)
We can do lunch. :-)
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )